In retrospect, a giant floating eyeball monster that came from the sky isn’t that spooky. It’s creepy, sure, but scary? Nah, it’s just a huge optical organ. But maybe I’m undercutting the guy, so here are a few of its abilities. First, it’s able to [REDACTED] within a matter of nanoseconds without anyone noticing.

*muffled background talking*

Sure, Los Angeles, Shanghai, Chicago, Melbourne, you name the place, and it can be there. And if you’re worried about it showing up, you shouldn’t be; you’d already be [REDACTED].

*more muffled background talking*

1993 was the first time we’ve got footage of it, but it’s always been here. The ancient Sumerians first recorded it on the [REDACTED], but we’ve only got picture proof of it quite recently.

*more muffled background talking*

Well, that experiment wouldn’t have worked without the [REDACTED] in the Bradley, even that spike of CMB destroyed an entire village in 63, and we blamed that on a “Broken Arrow incident.” And we’re still discovering more things about it.

*disgruntled muffled background talking*

Then you’re wrong. It’s not from a distant, far away world or an alternate dimension. It’s always been here, maybe even the first organism on Earth, but instead of the oceans or the land, it dominates the sky. It came from the sky, but it wants the world, and do I know why? No, I don’t...